Harry Potter and the Philosophers Saxophone
by Elendor
Summary: yes! it has been done a million times! yes! the characters ARE on drugs, and yes! you will become more stupid after reading this, but WHO CARES? Elendor IS proud announce HARRY POTTER: THE MUSICAL!
1. THE DULL BIT

_Disclaimer: I own nothing here, apart from The twisted plot and the fact I keep calling Malfoy Bernard (Mr Malfoy is really called Bazil, btw)_

_I don't own the songs, or the people, I don't even own this paperclip, its my mothers. _

_I did put the names of the characters underlined and the stage directions in Italics, but it wont come up like I wanted it to, just know I did make the effort._

_Thank you for reading._

Once upon a time, in the old land of Scotland a girl got bored. Really bored. In fact so bored was she that she began to write this, Harry potter and the Philosophers saxophone: The Musical! Comedy type thing

(Drum roll)

Elendor:Ladies and gentlemen…

In no particular order!

The cast!

First up, everyone favourite evildoer, Draco Malfoy!

(_The introduction is suddenly interrupted by a horde of screaming fan girls…until Elendor shots them_)

NO ONE, BUT NO ONE, INTERRUPTS ME WHEN I'M ABOUT TO SING!

Right!

(_Cherry lips by garbage starts to play_)

With your cherry lips and golden curls

You could make grown men gasp  
When you'd go walking past them  
In your hot pants and high heels

Malfoy, butting in: they could not believe

That such a body was for real! thinking Hey, I don't do drag!

Elendor: AHEM! It seemed like rainbows would appear  
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear  
Because you looked just like a girl

Malfoy: I resent that!

Elendor: shutupyourspoilingmysong you're baby blues would flash  
and suddenly a spell was cast

You're such a delicate boy…

Draco: grrrrrrr

Oooh kaaaay we'll stop that there before Drakes gets nasty

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR…HARRY POTTER!

(_The fan girl zombies try to claw at him, before Elendor gets really pissed of and chops them into tiny pieces with a handy axe_)

That's enough of that!

(Wild thing by The Troggs starts to play)

WILD THING!

YOU MAKE MY HEART SING!

YOU MAKE EVERYTHING!

Harry: groovy…

Draco: _swoon!_

ANNNNNND HERMIONE!

Hermione: look is this really necessary?

Elendor: huh?

Hermione: Can we just skip this part; you've all ready got me singing in later chapters.

Elendor: Ummmm, ok!

Hermione: thank you

Right, come on people, we need to get through this introduction!

NEXT UP, Ron!

(Music from the cleaning up scene in 'Anne' starts up)

IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US

IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US

'STEAD OF BROOMSTICKS, WE GET GNOMES

'STEAD OF MANSIONS, THIRD RATE HOMES

IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE!

Ron: that's my song? They aren't even the right lyrics!

Elendor: hey I'm running out of ideas! And I had to improvise to fit in with the fic!

Ron: humph!

AND DUMBLEDORE!

(Without Me by Eminem starts up)

Well this looks like a job for me

So everybody just follow me

Coz we need a little controversy

Coz it be so empty without me

Dumbledore: BREAK IT DOWN! (_Starts insane break dancing on his head no old man should be able to do_)

Snape: cough

Elendor _sigh_ oh, and Snape

_Crickets chirp_

Snape: hey! Come on!

Elendor: oh, alright

_emotionless voice_

like a bat out of hell he'll be gone before the mornig comes.

Snape: _blank expressionless face_ yay

Right, that's it, there are other Characters as well but I'm bored now, on reader, to the first scene.

Don't know how to get there eh? Well, drag your mouse arrow down to the bottom Right hand corner of the screen, that's it! No, no, up a bit, that's your computers clock… no, the purple button with the arrow on it, there you go! And click…!


	2. the boy who sang

Disclaimer: I own nothing here, apart from The twisted plot and the fact I keep calling Malfoy 'Bernard' (Mr Malfoy is really called Bazil, btw)

_I don't own the songs, or the people, I don't even own this paperclip, its my mothers. _

_I did put the names of the characters underlined and the stage directions in Italics, but it wont come up like I wanted it to, just know I did make the effort._

_Thank you for reading._

_Fade in Music from Disneys Hercules, a star is born._

Like a beacon in the cold dark night  
A star is born  
Told ya ev'rything would turn out right  
A star is born  
Just when ev'rything was all at sea  
The boy made history  
The bottom line  
He sure can shine  
His rising sign is Capricorn

Harry: its Cancer, duh

He knew "how to"  
He had a clue  
Telling you a star is born

**Harry Potter and the Philosophers saxophone: the Musical, scene one.**

A young boy, not 11 years old is lying awake in his bed, a smile playing at his lips, he reaches for his glasses, the start up music from Beauty and the beast… starts up

Harry (_with perfect, choir boy voice_):

Little town, It's a Muggle village,

Every day, like the one before.

Little house, full of little people,

Wake me up to say;

Uncle Vernon: HARRY GET YOUR BITCH ASS IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SOME PIE!

Harry: There goes my uncle in a rage like always

The same old drills and bits to sell

Every morning just the same

Since the morning that I came

On a huge air born motorbike flown by a giant!

Aunt Petunia: Harry, fry the bacon

Harry (_in a voice too happy for any normal preteen_):

morning to you as well!

Aunt Petunia: and don't dare burn any, its my little duddly, Wuddly, Cuddly, Muddly, Tuddlys birthday and everything must be perfect!

Harry (_in the same sugar coated voice_):

yes auntie dearest! I just had the most wonderful dream, about an ogre, and a bean stock and-

Aunt Petunia, _looking worried_:

SHUT UP BOY, THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

Piers and Dudley appear at the window, noses presses against the glass, despite the fact it's Dudley's own home.

Dudley and Piers: look there he goes the boy is strange no question

He seems distracted cant you tell?

Never part of any crowd,

Because his heads up in some cloud,

No denying he's a funny one,

That kid!

Harry: ooooooh, isn't this, amazing,

I love mornings best because you see

Here's were I show how much I love them,

By cooking them each enough bacon and eggs to serve twenty-three!

Uncle Vernon: he's strangely happy and it's most unusual

I'm getting worried, Its not right

Do you think he's worked it out?

That his father was no lout?

Better lock him up and hope no letters come!

Dudley: hey mum, hey dad,

Where are my presents?

Aunt Petunia: there over there,

My little son

Dudley: oh woe, is me,

That's one less than last year

Harry jumps up onto the table and throws up his arms 

Harry: I hope there's more to this Provencal life!

Gaston: look here I'm going to make Belle my wife! Aw shit! Wrong musical!

Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia:

look this is stupid, no one care's, let's kill him,

There would be one less mouth to feed!

Dudley: mum and dad please don't be dim

For in this house there's none like him

Who can cook as good as Uncle Tim

Uncle Vernon: no denying he's a super cook

Aunt Petunia: a strange but most delightful cook

Dudley: he really is an amazing cook

Vernon, Petunia, Piers and Dudley: **THAT KID**!

_And with that everyone including the fabled 'Uncle Tim' sat down at the kitchen and began to eat._

Uncle Vernon: Boy?

Harry: yes sir?

Uncle Vernon: what, in the name of Aunt Marge's giant pants just happened there?

Harry: I'm not sure sir, It was magic though, wasn't it

Uncle Vernon, _sweating heavily and stuttering_:

Magic? What, what makes you think that boy?

Harry: well, due to the music coming from nowhere, and the fact we all started to sing and dance without one step out of place or word forgotten, perhaps like a scene directly stolen from a favourite Disney film etc. etc. I worked it out for myself.

Uncle Vernon: strange goings on… it's all your fault boy!

Harry: oh yes that's highly plausible, due to the fact I got this letter this morning telling me I was a wizard and was at any moment, going to be taken away by an enormously large, hairy man to a secret castle somewhere in Scotland.

Uncle Vernon: Scotland? (_pause_) You'll need a sweater.

_Hagrid, our faithful giant friend, bursts through the door, even though he is about two chapters early_

Hagrid: hullo, I'm an enormously large 'airy man, come to take yer awa' to Scotland, I will now mistake Dudley for Harry, resulting in hilarious jokes about how Harry's put on weight. Harry; you're fat.

Harry; he's not Harry, I am!

Hagrid: Harry! Well would you look at that! You sound unusually happy for a preteen!

Harry: I know; that's because I've had such a horrid life, I try to make the best out of everything, and it costs nothing to give someone a smile!

Hagrid: well! You're very skinny (_pause_) bring a sweater.

_Harry runs upstairs to grab a sweater, Hagrid then takes him on a… land boat… to Diagon alley to buy him school books and the likes, _

Harry: Wow Hagrid, this place sure is unusual, I have sure not ever been somewhere like this before!

Hagrid: Harry, we're not at the end of yer street yet.

Harry: oh… Hagrid, I'm scared, what if the wizarding world doesn't accept me?

Hagrid: you must be joking Harry, you saved our world from the Darkest dark lord since Margret Thatcher! There's no need to worry!

_Hagrid jumps up from the boat, an oar in his hands, and starts to twirl it like a baton, a musical faverote, Consider Yourself from Oliver! Starts up_

Hagrid: Consider yourself at home  
Consider yourself one of the family  
We've taken to you so strong  
It's clear we're going to get along

Molly and Arthur Weasly walk by, purely because they fit nicely into this scene, and also start to sing

Mr and Mrs Weasly: If it should chance to be we should see some harder days  
Empty larder days, why grouse  
Always a chance to meet somebody to foot the bill

Bill: wha?

Tom, the barman from the leaky cauldren: Then the drinks are on the house

Random Wizards: (twirling in the air, Handstands, forward rolls e.t.c)

Consider yourself our mate  
We don't want to have no fuss  
For after some consideration we can state  
Consider yourself one of us!

Hagrid plus Weasly midgets: Consider yourself well in

Consider yourself part of the furniture  
There isn't a lot to spare  
Who cares, whatever we've got we share

Mr and Mrs Weasly:

If it should chance to be we should see some harder days  
Empty larder days, why grouse  
Always a chance to meet somebody to foot the bill

Bill: who wants to foot me!

Tom: Then the drinks are on the house

the wizarding world in general: Consider yourself our mate  
We don't want to have

no fuss  
For after some consideration we can state  
**CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF US!**

Harry: well gee, thank you, that makes me feel loads better! Ron? What are you doing here, you're not meant to turn up till I'm on the train

Ron: well, this is based on the movie, and the movie already screws things up, and there's only so many donuts you can eat back stage before you get sick.

Harry: true, true, where's Hermione then?

Ron: having a drinking contest with Bernard… I mean Draco! Draco Malfoy!

Harry: oh right… of course, because that's usual…

Hagrid: Harry, Ron, you're on stage!

Harry: Huh? Oh!

Hi, my name is Harry James Potter, who are you?

Ron: I am Ronald Weasly, your new best friend, are you really Harry Potter?

Harry: Yes! Yes I am!

Ron: Oh, well…. See you on the train then!

_Ron runs off with the rest of the Weasly clan_

Harry: So Hagrid, where to now?

Hagrid: Let me take you to a little place, to tell you the story of He who smells… uh, You know who…

_End scene 1_

So people, what did you think? Any good? Should I contine?

Let me know by R/R pleeease?

Oh, and please if you like slash, take a little lookie at my fic Poisoned Letters, its not as bad as the summery makes out!

Love, peace and sour skittles

Elendor

Xxxxxxxx


End file.
